An Open Letter To A Friend Of Mine

Dear Alcohol,
First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend you always seem to be there when needed.
The perfect post-work daiquiri,a glass of wine on the weekend, you're even around in the holidays, or hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.
However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a sausage with cheese, onion and mustard (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few sweet chili and sour cream red rock chips)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me.
Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous.
I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot.
I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the Kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately.

I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your biggest fan, Wilma

Congrats Hubby #2

The amazingly talented ~ and slightly troubled in a bad-boy "I can change him" kinda way ~ Kiefer Sutherland accepting his Emmy earlier this evening for his work on "24" as Jack Bauer.

I'll polish it up real purty for you, baby!

What Did I Tell You?

Black pants = victory.

Someone get those in the laundry & back to the players STAT!

Oh yeah, & I didn't watch again. One more game & I'll know for sure if I'm the jinx or not. This is killing me!

Just So You Know

Top 6 Bumper Stickers

We've all seen them ~ driving down the highway, desperately trying to read what's pasted on the car in front of you without ramming them or hitting the ditch.

I also happen to think they would make good pins {does anyone remember pins?} Back in the day, I had quite the collection of funny pins & wore them daily. I even made a fancy pin bulletin board {using a pattern I found in Teen Magazine, or something equally nauseating} which was basically some material wrapped around a piece of cardboard, coloured on with jiffys.

Remember when they were called jiffys, not markers? Anyone? I even made a little PacMan and stuffed it with old nylons to decorate the pin bulletin board. Mayhaps I dating myself a little?
Back on topic ~ Bumper Stickers:

6. If you're riding my ass, you better be pulling my hair!
5. Can't feed em? Don't breed 'em!
4. Damn right I'm good in bed. I can sleep for days.
3. The more people I meet, the more I like my cat.
2. Where are we going, and why am I in this hand basket?
1. I love children, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.

I'm Working, Honest!

Somebody told me a couple weeks ago that they can tell when it's not busy at work, cuz I do some postings on the blog during the day. Yeah, completely forgot about the time stamp on the bottom of each post.

So, I decided I better not do that anymore, since some people from work come on here occasionally.

This may be the reason that I've been a little slack in posting. Or it could just be laziness. Either way, deal with it!

Off to a wedding this weekend which I'm sure will be a fun time. The bride called me yesterday to see if I could do a reading during the service, & mayhaps sing a song. I love people who fly by the seat of their pants!

Weekend Adventures With Velvis

Went to Edmonchuck to visit Velvis the Bird Slayer.... poor little birdie.

Let's start out by saying that I haven't been to Edmonchuck since I was 13, traveling with a friend's aunt. I needed directions not only to Casa Velvis, but all points past Provost!

Quite the interesting sights along the way, including {but not limited to}:

• the Bruce Stampede Grounds
• the Ryley LBS store in an Atco trailer
• the Kinsella Bullerama
• and the Irma Shoe Fence

If you're ever headed that way, and pass through Wainwright, may I suggest you stop at the PetroCan/A&W for gas & a pee? I think the nicest people in all of Albertaland work there.

They must have moved there from Saskatchewan.

Friday night, we planned to see a movie {in a real, honest-to-goodness theatre, sigh. It's been sooooo long} but it wasn't meant to be so we headed to the casino instead.

Played some fun games, but it was once again Kenny Rogers & The Gambler that came through! I came out $60 ahead thanks to the amazing vocal talents of Velvis cheering me on.

Then we stayed up chatting, laughing & making dips for her Sunday party.

Saturday we donned our Adventure Hats ~ yes, they are real hats we wear on our adventures ~ and did some power shopping before.......

HORSE-RACES!!!! YeeHaw! This was a blast! The first live horse races I've ever seen. We bet on every race, using various scientific methods to pick our horses, including:

• jockey's name
• owner's name
• jersey colour
• horse's name
• favourite numbers

We managed to win a few bets, making a total of $30 or so. Kenny was NOT my friend this day, however, and the casino was not paying out at all. Boo!

Off we went in the evening to a fabulouso restaurant of Asian Fusion food, Velvis' Snuffleupagus husband included, & my belly was stuffed with good food, good booze & good dessert.

Sad to come home, but a great weekend and long overdue. Thanx much Velvis & Bear for your hospitality, chauffeur skills, & picking up the cheque!

Now, That's What I'm Talkin' About!

Oh, the Roughriders....

For those not in the know, they SMASHED Hamilton 46 to 15! Now, I'm stupefused because I don't know whether it's because:
a) I did NOT watch the game.
b) they wore their sexy black pants
c) they were playing Hamilton
d) quarterback change-up.

What should I do? Am I the jinx? Should I watch the next game?

Oooooh, decisions, decisions.

Happy Birthday, Puffy Kracker!

No More Cucumbers, Please!

Puffy Kracker & I can only eat so much of this healthy shite!

Thanx to all who dropped off stuff ~ although, really, kinda rude to ring the bell, hang a bag of cuces on the doorknob & run away ~ but NO MORE!

29 Years, & We Still Remember

August 16, 1977 at the age of 42, Elvis Presley passed away. I'll always remember that day, bawling in the kitchen after hearing the news on the radio with Conrad.

Now, I'm not a grassy knoll enthusiast. Even though his name is mis-spelled on his tombstone, I don't believe he's still alive. I don't believe he's hiding out in a small Hawaiian town drinking pina coladas & getting caught in the rain.

I remember watching TV specials of him. I love to watch his movies ~ lacking in plot, character development & any award-winning acting though they may be ~ & I love to listen to him sing. I like to remember him from the '68 Comeback Special, relaxed, in shape, confident & wearing that smoking black leather jacket & pant.

I still mourn twice a year, today & January 8th.

You Know What Frosts My Patootie?

You know that annoying KFC commercial where the family is sitting down to eat & the dad comes in & says "Sorry, I'm late" & the mom says "Oh, we just sat down" and he kisses her & says "Hot.... and spicy!" and grabs a piece of chicken?

Next time it's on, take a good look at the table. Mom & the two rugrats have full glasses of pop, chicken pieces, fries & salad on their plates.

• Now look at the pop bottle. Full.
• Look at the shiny glass bowls mom put the salads into. Full.
• Look at the basket mom put the fries into. Full.
• Look at the KFC bucket in the middle of the table. Overflowing. How would the cardboard lid ever fit on there? It wouldn't. Not in a million years. Especially if all the chicken pieces on the plates were put back into it.

And that's another thing. If mom went to all the trouble of putting the salads, fries & gravy in dishes, why is the chicken still in the stupid bucket? For the completely unnecessary product shot.

I hate this commercial.

My Heart Hurts

Just finished watching the Saskatchewan/Edmonton game & we lost by 6 points. I have not seen them win yet this season.

As much as it breaks my heart, I think I will not longer be watching the games this year, as I am now convinced that I am jinxing them. I LURVE my Roughriders, so for the sake of the team I will stop watching the games for the next two weeks to test my theory.

You know, this wouldn't be an issue if they would just get their black uniforms out of storage. They didn't lose a game last season while wearing them. Maybe I should write a letter.

Top 6 Things You May Not Know

Here's some super-genius secret things that you might not know about moi, in no particular order:

6. I don't know what my real hair colour is
5. I could have been named Samantha
4. My favourite Simpson's character is Gil
3. My eyes change colour depending on my mood
2. I knit, sew, cross-stitch & paint on dishes
1. I HATE having the hiccups.

Thanx Much, Madame X

Received this collectible Litho Cel in the mail a short while after DeathBedMoment was birthed:



A thousand thanks to Madame X for sharing "The Blessed Event" with me. And a thousand pardons for waiting so long to share it with all the boys & girls.

Hope It Was A Good One

Yesterday was the birthday of one of the best roommates I ever had back in the day.
Swervin' took every class, had worked every job, and knew EVERYONE on campus during his time at the U of S, & as his roommate I was able to take advantage of this by tagging along with him to functions. Didn't get a whole lot of studying done while living with him however, but man, did we have us a time!

So happy birthday, buddy! Wish I had a photo that was appropriate to post!

Home Improvements

Ever since our green-thumbed next door neighbours moved in 2 years ago, I've been awfully ashamed of the trailor-trash appearance of our front yard. This year, we finally decided to do something about it and hired a local couple to design & build a front "sidewalk" {in Dodge, there is a bylaw prohibiting you from building a deck in your front yard ~ craziest thing I've ever heard}. I think they did a bang-up job, they came in on-quote & finished in a week, and I would recommend them to anyone.

Before:










After Day 1:

During the Week:













Finished Product:

Yesterday's Adventures, Finale

The last 'touristy' thing we did was visit The Big Rock. What is this, you ask? Well, boys & girls, it's a rock. It's big. That's it. Oh yeah, it's in the middle of nowhere.

According to the historical plaque {not plague, plaque ~ that's for all those who read the local rag} this rock was used as a marker for the early settlers in our province. It helped them find their way to their new homes, or something like that. My eyes glazed over after the first couple lines so this may not be an accurate description. Sorry, this kind of thing is really not my, uh, thing. That's my darling hubby on the rock. He's 5'10", just to give you an idea of the size of The Big Rock. He was in fine form yesterday, making me giggle like a schoolgirl with a feather up her skirt. He climbed to the top, held out his arms to Mrs. Kracker {Senior, by the way} and said "Mommy, catch me!"

Sigh. Gotta love him.

Yesterday's Adventures Pt. 2

On the road to the Crooked Bush ~ okay, I'll admit, the name cracked me up all afternoon ~ you pass a little churchyard/graveyard. Now, I don't want you all to think that I'm getting all morbid or anything, but we did stop and take some photos. This may be that last graveyard pics I post for a while, so as not to creep you all out.

"St. Mary's Anglican Church 1909"

Yesterday's Adventure

Puffy Kracker, Puffy's parents, Conrad & Bronco B & I went out on a driving adventure yesterday. The plan was to explore some sights in our own backyard {not literally, boys & girls!}.
We decided to check out the Crooked Bush. Not, not this kind...

THIS kind....

This is truly bizarre & kinda creepy, as the trees all grow like this, even the small ones, only in this one section of the field. The same kind of trees, 100 feet away, grow normally. No one knows why. The U of S has been out testing soil samples but can not pinpoint the culprit. Some people blame a UFO landing, a lightning strike, or radioactive soil but there is no proof of any of this. Another eerie fact: birds will not nest in these trees, but do in the trees close by, so while you're walking through the grove it is very quiet.

Just the thing to do on a full moon at midnight!

Oh Fate, How You Toy With Me!

An update on those gorgeous shoes.
From colehaan.com

"At this time, we cannot ship or bill orders outside of the United States, or accept credit cards issued from a bank outside of the United States. "

The only store in Canada is in Toronto. I wonder if they ship?

Freaky Freaky....

Again with the freaky horoscope over the interweb:

You're at your best during a competition, especially when it's with yourself. You'll be astonished at how high you can fly when you push beyond your perceived limits. Friends provide support from the sidelines.

Let's remember, boys & girls, that I'm trying to get my to-do list all finished up before I head back to W-O-R-K on the 15th. And Darling Hubby Puffy Kracker is providing support by doing 2 things on the list.

I'm off to check my Lotto 649 ticket!

Computer Broken, Wilma Sad

Honestly, what do you get for your money these days? Nothing! Absolutely nothing.

The computer, window into the world, answerer of questions & "aid" to everyday life, has been down for almost 2 days getting fix-ed. It all started yesterday morning when I attempted to HotSync my Palm. It 'claimed' there was no connection. Well, I gosh-darn-tootin' knew there was a connection because I had just finished downloading the photos off the digital camera!

Anyway, like Tamado's home reno's it spiralled out of control. Word & Excel both stopped working properly. It seemed like there was no hope, until.... Glennjamin, our friendly neighbourhood guru, answered the distress call faster than Superman changes out of his glasses and 3 piece suit, & to make a long story short, the computer is finally working after several virus scans, defrags, internet searches, downloads, uninstalling & re-installing of various things & sundry {not really sure of the whole process as I went outside & smoked, then grabbed some lunch with Velvis & Gladys.

So we're back up & posting. Yay! Although I did manage to force myself to start working through my to-do list, & have completed 19 of 30. Woohoo! 11 to go! I'm so proud of me. Just think what I could have accomplished if I hadn't taken a week to lay around like a slug watching 'Remingston Steele" re-runs on TVLand eating Wheat Thins out of the box!

I deserve a martini.

Cougars And Other Big Cats

Cougars make me laugh. I'm not talking the big, mean cat with the sharp teeth though, boys & girls, although some of them do use their teeth, teeheehee. I mean the older ladies {and I use that term loosely} who go after the younger guys.

I had the misfortune to engage in encounters with younger guys back in the day, & let me tell you, older guys are where it's at! I've really never understood the fascination, & quite frankly, think it's an attempt at: 1) control and b)regaining a quickly-vanishing youth.


The whole situation tickles my funny bone. I've been at social gatherings ~ okay, parties drinking martinis ~ where we've actually sat & discussed the "rules" of Cougareah. How many years older do you have to be to be considered a Cougar? Depends on the age of the guy, apparently. How old do you have to be? Can you be considered a Cougar if you are only 26? These & many other questions shall remain unanswered at the mo, as I was a little preoccupied with the Ovation stick in my Chocolate Martini, & wasn't paying that much attention. Or mayhaps the Alzheimers is kicking in again. Whatever.

Another fun pastime is figuring out what comes after Cougar. Or before. Is it Bobcat, Cougar then Puma? Where do the Mountain Lions fit it? It's almost too much for my brain! The headache bump is protesting.

What got me onto this train of thought was a commercial for a new scent {can't call it a perfume cuz there's a men's version as well} called, you guessed it, Puma. Puma!?!? Who thinks of these things....

and how can I get that job?

Some Things I Like To Do

A little glimpse into the world of Wilma... just in case you want to get to know me better!

I like to:

• brush my teeth in the shower
• tease my cat (not in a mean way, though. That would be so wrong)
• edit the emails I receive for spelling & grammar
• make to-do lists daily
• ignore my to-do lists daily
• read Tarot cards
• shop!
• procrastinate
• bottle-tan my legs
• analyze TV shows for continuity errors
• look at my wedding photos ~ at least once a week!
• buy presents for the people in my life
• drink ~ oh, wait. You all know that already. Nevermind.
• buy lotto tickets
• obsessively read other people's opinions on Rockstar:Suave Porn on message boards.

Yeah, that's probably enough for now. More insight into Wilma's World {I think I shall name it "Wilaminia"} later!

I Must Have These Shoes!

I know, I know, I already own many, many MANY pairs of shoes. But these are absolutely gorgeous! Must....get....can't....live.....without.....

Looking For A Date

The Who are touring!! Yes, The Who, the amazing band that gave us such rock classics as "Pinball Wizard", "Squeezebox", "I Can See For Miles", "Magic Bus" and all the CSI theme songs are touring again!

They are performing in Calgary on October 5, & Edmonton on October 6 ~ not sold out yet. Wilma really wants to go.

Anyone interested? Contact me & you'll be my new Best Friend Forever!