Grief is a Bitch

 My father died 6 weeks ago. He had congestive heart failure, and had been hospitalized 3 times last year for extended periods with symptoms including shortness of breath & fluid retention.

I know his quality of life was greatly diminished. I know he was limited in his abilities of movement and travel. And I know he was tired of spending so much time either in the hospital or travelling for appointments. I know.

And yet ~ I wish he were still here. I wish he could have fought a little longer. I am full of grief & wishes; the grief won't go away & the wishes won't come true. 

I am luckier than most. I really liked my dad. After my mom died 8 years ago, I spent a lot of time with him, & really got to know him as a person. I liked who he was. He was funny & smart & caring & kind, also quick-tempered & impatient & could swear better than anyone I've ever met. 

I don't need to canonize him, but I'm certainly not going to demonize him, either.

Today, I was trying to work on a writing project & all I can think of is him. 

I haven't cried since the doctor explained the medical issues he was experiencing and recommended we put him into comfort care. I don't know that I will. But I often feel like I'm on the edge of tears.

Grief is like snow. Today, I'm in a blizzard. 

Disembodied Voice From the Past Says What?

I received an email from Blogger this morning. A post from 2006 was "flagged for review" for violating guidelines regarding the Malware and Viruses policy. As such, the post was unpublished and need to be dealt with.

Friends, this post was from 17 years ago. 

17 years!

Who is wandering around the interwebs looking at my dusty old posts from 17 years ago and reporting them? 

What was the issue? What was so urgent and potentially harmful that this post needed to be reported, flagged, & unpublished? It contained a link to the Polynesian Cultural Centre in Hawaii. 

So I've added the link to this post. As a test. 

Let's see if I get reported again.

ETA:

Welp. Couldn't publish the post with the link. Is this a thing now? Can't have any links in your posts? Surely that cannot be. 

P.S. You can find it at polynesia dot com ~ great place. Cannot recommend enough.

 

New Computer, Who Dis?

 4 hours.

I've been working at this for 4 hours, and I've managed to complete 3 things.

Bought a new computer. Trying to transfer information, log into accounts, work on bookmarks... I'm sure there is a much better way than what I've been doing, but I don't know it!

Spent 2 hours finding phone numbers for help desks, calling, talking, getting cut off, looking for passwords...

I think my brain is too old for this shite.

Starting Over, Starting Fresh

 I feel like I've gotten a new lease on life. 

I went through 2 surgeries this summer to deal with a cancerous tumour in my thyroid, and am now on thyroid replacement hormones to keep my body doing... whatever the hell the thyroid does. My numbers have stabilized and my med dosage has been the same for 3 months, so I think I'm where I need to be.

All this has made me realize that it has been a loooooong freakin' time since my thyroid has worked properly - judging by how I feel right now & my energy levels. I'm certainly not going to go out & run a marathon, but I can at least THINK about it without collapsing into bed.

I've come to the conclusion that sheer will & stubbornness are the only things that have kept me going for years.