Desire

I dreamed of you again last night.  


You sneak up on me, in my dreams.  You're not there & I'm just doing whatever, busy with life, not even thinking about you & then ~ there you are.  You sidle up to me, & suddenly I find you there, you're touching me, seductive & dangerous, tempting me to touch you.  


I can't help myself, in my dream.  Before I even know what I'm doing, without even thinking about it, I'm caressing you.  I've got you in my hands, my lips are on you & it feels sooooo good.  I've almost forgotten how good it feels.  


I can't believe I've gone this long without you, in my dreams.  I don't remember what made me stop, what made me banish you from my life.  It doesn't even enter my mind.  All I can think of is how good it feels to be with you again, how good you feel inside me, how alive & bad & fabulous & naughty & RIGHT it all is.


Then reality comes crashing in & I remember all the hurt, all the bad, all the reasons why I swore to never be with you again.  I remember how much I hated the effect you had on me, how horrible I always felt the next day no matter how good it felt to be with you in the moment.  I remember it all, & I look at me holding you & I am disgusted with myself ~ disgusted & saddened by how weak I am, how quickly I capitulated, how eager I was to have you touch me again.  I remember how much I loved you & how you only returned my emotions with destruction.


& then I wake up.


& give silent thanks that yesterday marks 2 years since I quit smoking.






The desire nevah, evah goes away.  I can only hope that my desire to stay smoke-free remains stronger.