Thursday, February 28, 2008

I'm So Brilliant In The Moonlight

Last night, as I lay in bed waiting for sleep to take me to another world {where George Clooney & I are "good friends"} I wrote a most excellent blog post. It was witty, humorous, insightful... I even did some mental editing on it to make it more better.

This was all written in my head, mind, so naturally it's gone, gone, gone this morning.

I can think of SO MANY fabulous things to write about as I lay me down to sleep, but they all disappear with the first snore. Yes. I snore. What of it?

Basically, things have been same, same, same here with house cleaning, painting {bedroom first phase done ~ looks FAB!}, laundry, doing books for the-place-where-I-worship, emails to help the Queen of Halloween find props for our play, working, missing friends who are travelling {bastards! wish I was there, too}, phone calls, TV watching, & all that other jazz we do to fill up the time of our lives.

I haven't been feeling too witty & amusing lately ~ in fact, I've been feeling down-right BLAAH. I've been noticing an even greater tendency to forget things, which is making me even more paranoid about Alzheimer's. I know what you're thinking "Wilma, you're much too young for that! Gosh, you're just a baby!" Well, thank you but no. There have been cases of people as young as 29 developing Alzheimer's. That's just a teeny, tiny, wee bit younger than me.

Puffy tells me that I forget things because I have a lot on my mind. Mayhaps I have a lot on my mind because I'm trying not to forget things?

Why am I worried about this? Well, like I may have mentioned, I have almost all the symptoms, there is a history in my family of the disease, & I am terrified of losing my mind. In all seriousness, Alzheimer's is like some freak, genetically-modified bacteria that scientists created as a biological weapon that got away from them & has now turned around to bite us all is the ass. Its effects on not only the person who develops it, but the family & friends around them are devastating. I've seen firsthand, as most of us have, the destruction of lives, of relationships, of memories, of LIFE this disease causes. What a horror ~ to lose the essence of yourself through no fault of your own {I've never put much credence into the claim that deodorants containing silicone are to blame}.

So many incidents have happened in the last few days, that I'm getting more scared & frustrated & have started acting out like a 2 year old in a grocery store {or really, anywhere a 2 year old is, cuz they act out a lot}. Loud bursts of expletives, howls of frustration, & yes, even foot-stomping have been occurring at Chez Wilma. There has been much wailing & gnashing of teeth. Mayhaps a torn shirt or two. Puffy ignores me. It's his only defence.

The fear is almost as bad as the symptoms. In fact, it may be worse. It eats away at you, whispering insidious things in your ear, recalling all the bad you've ever seen, reminding you of all the things you've ever forgotten, causing a gnawing in the pit of your stomach that grows until nausea becomes an unwanted yet constant companion.

I think this is why I'm obsessed with taking IQ tests { last week, new test, new score *141* Thank you, thank you, I know I'm brilliant ~ I'm a super-genius!}. Through these tests, I am trying to convince myself that my brain is still working, that I am still in there, pounding away at life's problems & that these symptoms, these incidents are just a minor blip on the radar of my life.

One can only hope.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hugs, you are okay, I agree with Puffy you just have a lot on the go with the play, etc. People just dont realize how the play can wear on a person.

I love yah and know you will work through this.

take care