Thursday, July 03, 2008

Two Shots Of Happy, One Shot Of Sad

Whenever one of my friends announces their pregnancy, it's always a bittersweet moment for me, full of happiness mixed with pain.

  • Happiness for them that their dream of having a family is being fulfilled.
  • Pain in knowing that our friendship will soon end.

This may sound callous. Or defeatist. Or immature. Whatever, pick your descriptive. Unfortunately, it's my truth, based on many years' experiences.

The sad fact is that this isn't my choice. It becomes the choice of my friends. They choose to no longer be a part of my life. They choose to fade from my life. Apparently, in their eyes once they birth their babies, they no longer have anything in common with me. Puffy & I are no longer included in their plans, any gatherings they host, or excursions they go on.

It's not the best feeling, the belief that you are an expendable friend. The feeling that you are good enough just for right now.

Luckily, I've come to realize that this behavior says more about their state of mind, about their loyalty & personality than it does mine.

I've also come to realize that my life is better with them gone.


Anonymous said...

I know where your coming from all too well.
But, I do feel that I have nothing in common with them, once their world revolves around a little one, so letting go is easier.

Anonymous said...

Hi again!

Forgot to say earlier I went to a Agatha Christie play yesterday & thought of you.
H ave written a review...


french panic said...

Oh Wilma.

I'm with you on this one. I have read quite a few mommy blogs where the mommies complain about how their non-babied friends abandon them - and I have no doubt it goes both ways, but.....

One of my friends, we're talking BEST friends, ceased all communication with me because I didn't sound "happy" enough for her on the phone. Of course, what she didn't know was that I was in the midst of a very scary depression - at the time we were living 4 provinces away from each other so hadn't seen each other in a while - and after I hung up the phone after hearing momma & baby were okay, I bawled for about an hour because I had been so so SO worried about her, as she had a very complicated pregnancy and I had been worried she or the baby was gonna die.

For six months, she didn't return my phone calls - and really messed with my fragile mental state "um, why isn't my best buddy returning any of my phone calls but she's talking to all of our other friends?"

Another "friend" accepted the birthday presents I got her, vaguely apologized for not acknowledging mine, then proceeded to tell me how she thinks birthdays are useless for adults and how Mother's Day is the only day worth celebrating.


And, another close friend just announced her pregnancy - while also talking about how much she's looking forward to her 1 year maternity leave and how "easy" it's going to be, just her and her newborn, hurray. Um, easy? Yeah. Motherhood = easy. Riiiiiight.

So, yeah. Another friendship either severely mutated, or over.

Two of my really good friends at the moment are moms - and they are both spectacular at keeping in touch - so there are some cool moms out there, but I met Mom #1 when her children were walking and talking, and Mom #2 just adopted, but Mom #2 is in her 40s and remembers clearly what it was like to not want children..... her baby-need only hit her a few years ago, and she's.... well, she's got a damn good head on her shoulders.

french panic said...

P.S. The recently pregnant friend who is looking forward to how easy her maternity leave will be? She's a doctor. She delivers babies for a living. (But obviously doesn't spend too much time with sleep-deprived mamas!) And I just spent some time with a male mutual friend who is also getting ready to mourn the loss of the friendship - he's seen it happen too many times, too. (We both noticed how much she changed when she got married, so we don't have high hopes for motherhood).


Anonymous said...

Ah yes. All the friends I have that are parents were already parents when we became friends.

So obviously, I can have something in common with people who have children.

All others, & I mean ALL others, who became parents after, are gone from my life. By their choice. You can only try for so long before you have to give up for your own sanity


Tom Weston said...

Perhaps it is that folks with newborns feel they are more responsible and more in tune with something than their friends who have yet to experience parenthood.

I know that employers, including the present one, will tend to promote family people over others, not based on experience or skill, but the fact that they have shown 'maturity' for having had a kid, and that they will need more money to keep the family values going strong.

That is crap. This is a choice that people make. It doesn't make them better. It may change them, but they are not better humans than those without kids. I suppose us childless folk are the current rebels. Maybe not a bad place to be considering how many sheep surround us constantly.

I love kids. I like speaking to them as fellow humans, because those where my favorite adults growing up. I just don't really want my own yet (or ever, not sure).

I don't think that it is selfish not to have kids, as my mother taught me. It is a fine choice, but we can't all have kids cause we got a crowded planet already.

Apparently your post sparked something in my little brain.

thank you

Wilma said...

Sometimes the people with newborns are more irresponsible ~ that's how they got the newborn in the first place!

mrsnesbitt said...

Put it there!

That's where I am...we are! Hubby and I! You will be happy to know the daughter we adore is called Wilma, our german shepherd! She has a sister...Elsie, yes another GS!

Love em!
Oh yes and Ella and Jo, cat & goose!