Sunday, May 23, 2010

Where's My Head At?

It's been a crazay couple weeks for me, boys & girls.  Well, actually, if I were to be completely honest, it's been over a month. Mayhaps two.  Quite possibly, since the beginning of 2010.  I must admit, I've lost track of the time.

I feel adrift in my life.  I am floating along, untethered, not even grasping for a hand-hold.  I am bereft of caring that I am merely riding the currents, going where the wind pushes me.  

Concentration is a thing of the past.  When I'm at a task, in a conversation, watching TV, reading a book, my mind wanders fitfully, seeing everything but acknowledging none of it, focusing on nothing.  A.D.D. doesn't begin to describe what I'm experiencing.  Vast tracts of time go by, measured only by blankness. 

I am doing the bare minimum to keep up with my responsibilities.  I am slacking off on things I should {I hate this word!  Hate it!}be doing, relying instead on charm & promises of a more productive tomorrow.  I am procrastinating more than I thought was humanly possible, & that is a big confession from the self-proclaimed Queen of the Procrastinators.

It feels like what Burton Cummings always sang about ~ I've come undone.

This, coupled with the insane work schedule I've got going on lately & the deadline to get the new inventory system operational, plus the to-do list & the expectations that others have of me, has made me, well, not me.  Don't get me wrong ~ I can fake it pretty well.  We went out Friday night to see The ConMan & T1, hanging with Eduardo & Big T, & I enjoyed myself & visited & laughed & told stories & got supah doopah drunk & hopefully didn't do anything too terribly bad since I can't remember the last part of the night....

But while I was talking, & laughing, & telling stories, I had an out-of-body experience for most of the night.  I silently observed myself, performing like a "normal" person, but I wasn't there.  Not really.  

I'm not sure where I was, or where I've been, or where I am right now, but it's not here.  & what do you do when you don't know where you are? 

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