Sunday, March 01, 2009

Just What I Needed

I've been struggling, for months & months, with hurt feelings of resentment & disdain toward someone who is close to me. This person, during a stressful time, behaved in a mean & {IMHO} inappropriate way & in doing so, lost a lot of my respect. In fact, almost all of it. This person is, for the most part, unaware of why my feelings toward him/her have changed ~ attributing my coldness to something completely bizarre & unrelated.

& I have been cold. Well, distant really. I have distanced myself both emotionally & physically from him/her because I am 1)unable to hide my feelings of disappointment & distaste at what was done & said not only to/about me but to/about others & 2)trying to eliminate the toxic people in my life in
an attempt to be happy.

However, this person cannot be eliminated from my life. He/she is too close, both in proximity & in relationship. & this burden of resentment is becoming too heavy to carry. It's making me weary, & colouring my interactions with other people. It's affecting my relationships, & it's starting to make ME behave in a mean & inappropriate way. Hello pot? Here's the kettle!

This morning, as I readied myself to attend the-place-where-I-worship, I contemplated asking for help, for guidance, for counseling from the leader who has become involved in our little group over the last 2 months. I planned out a conversation {as I am wont to do for anything remotely stressful/personal} while in the shower of how I would approach him, how I could describe what I witnessed & how it has affected me & how I have behaved as a result without sounding like a complete jackass. I do that. I plan whole conversations in my head in advance. It does help, you know. If you're anticipating a confrontation with someone, sometimes in the heat of the moment you can't think of an apropos cutting & witty remark cuz you're too overwhelmed with rage & if you've thought it through beforehand, those biting words can just fly out of your mouth unencumbered. It really works.

But, I digress.

So I'm in the shower & I'm thinking about this feud that's going on ~ a feud, I might add, that the other person isn't even aware that we're participating in ~ & I'm thinking, "Enough is enough. I want to be done. I'm going to talk to that man, I'm going to ask him for guidance, & I'm going to forgive & be done!" Deep thinking & singing old Journey songs ~ that's what showers are for, right?

& then I hear him speak. & it's like he's speaking to me, just to me. I almost looked around to see if I was in a spotlight. It's like he knew what I was thinking, & knew what I needed to hear. & I had a "A-ha!" moment. & I almost started crying in the-place-where-I-worship. Just as I'm tearing up now, reliving it in my head.

His message was about the weight of negativity, the sheer heaviness of the burdens of anger, hate, resentment, fear, grief, rage, blame, selfishness. Every time we allow ourselves to wallow in these emotions, in these feelings, we pick up another figurative rock & put it in our pocket. Over time, these rocks can overwhelm us, can weigh us down until we become crushed underneath them. At the beginning of the service, he had given each of us a rock, a piece of gravel to hold. These rocks were symbolic of our self-imposed burdens. I immediately bestowed upon mine this feud that has been weighing on my mind.

During the message, he instructed us to think about the negative stuff we carry, & to put it all on the rock. He asked us to feel the weight of the rock, & to imagine the weight of the negativity that we carry with us every day. He told us to think about whether we wanted to keep the rock with us, or get rid of it, & in doing so, simultaneously rid ourselves of the crap we've been carrying around inside us.

When it came time to get rid of our rocks, I threw mine in the bucket with conviction, with finality. & I felt like weeping with relief & joy.

The time has come for the feud to be done. It has lived a bitter, lonely existence in my fevered brain for far too long, & I don't want to carry it any more.

It weighs too much.


Mrs.X said...

I love the analogy of negative thoughts being rocks. It is so true but I had never thought of it that way. Isn't it wonderful when something you need comes from unexpected places? Glad you were able to get some perspective. Throw those rocks away!

Fairy Mae said...

Being "weighted down" by something or someone uses ALOT of a persons precious energy and I think its a fantastic post! Thank you my friend. I too have a few rocks.

Anonymous said...

okay girlie you have brought me to tears again.

love yah

Queen of Halloween said...

In my case I should find a boulder! Great idea...Thanks for the emotional support...Queenie

Anonymous said...

I truly believe if this person is a friend and you do want to continue the relationship you must approach them and discuss the incident. You may inturn change that persons perspective on the way that person see's things. As well if the person's reaction is negative throw them to the curb you don't need them sucking the life out of you. As this is the year of Me right?