Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Thank You For Coming. Have A Nice Day.

I've been here. I have. I've been checking in every day, with the hopes that I would feel a spark of creativity, a small notion of an idea build up inside me & shoot through my fingers onto the key board.

I've seen the evidence that you've been here, too. My numbers keep tick-tick-ticking away, ever closer to the next milestone. My faithful. My few. Most of you, I don't even know who you are! I see your red dot on my world map & I wonder about you. How did you get here? Why do you return? When will you ever comment & show me some scrap of your existence other than the red dot?

You come, eager {mayhaps?} for news, looking for updates, searching for some small wit or insight into my amazingly dull life. Day after day, you've been denied. The past few days, weeks, haven't been so fruitful.

Life, as is its habit, has gotten in the way. Life, & to-do lists, & responsibilities, & commitments have taken out my brain & washed it squeaky-clean of all thought except, "Gotta do, gotta go, gotta make this deadline, gotta be on time for that appointment, gotta gotta gotta!"

It is a dilly of a pickle, boys & girls. When all of me is straining, yearning to be HERE doing stuff for ME, writing {one of the only things that make me truly happy ~ other things include Puffy & the DemonSpawn} & I can't. I just can't. Everything is shutting down. I can feel it.

I can feel the insidious creep of the Christmas Blues, shaking off it's 11 month slumber, slowly crawling around inside my head, taking over. I had a full-on tantrum the other day over my waffle maker & my inability to make the damn thing actually work when all I wanted was a damn waffle.

I sat back, the rational part of me, back in the bleacher nose-bleed section of my brain & watched as I ranted & swore & completely lost my nut. I sat there, the rational part of me, watching the effect of my tantrum on Puffy, & the DemonSpawn, one shuts down, the other runs away. I sat there, recognizing that I was FACKING LOSING IT BERLINE & there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it.

It feels like being drunk. You know, that devilish moment when you realize you've had too much to drink, when you realize you're drunk, that last moment when your one lonely sober brain cell says, "Hey! You've gone past the line!" but it's too late. When you sit inside looking out, aware of what you're doing {something stupid, most likely dancing on speakers or skinny dipping or kidnapping some guy off the street with your friends at 3 AM on 33rd} but unable to stop yourself, unable to quit arguing on the dance floor or crying in the bathroom or waving your arms in the air while bouncing around the mosh pit at age 31, when too many things are bouncing.

That's what losing my temper is like. It's being buried under a ton of sand & unable to fight my way out for air. It's being drowned in a sea of emotion, blinded by a raging darkness that must run its course in order to be free, to be normal, to get back into the light, to be myself once again. It's being scared shitless that maybe this time, this time I won't come back, that maybe this is the normal & the rational one is the aberration. Maybe this time, Puffy won't be waiting quietly, waiting patiently for the storm to blow over. Maybe this time, the DemonSpawn won't come back to me, won't let me touch him any more cuz I YELL & make his ears hurt.

The closer Christmas comes, the more darkness surrounds me. I fight it. I'm fighting it hard this year, harder than ever. I don't want a repeat of last year. Or the year before. I want the peace, joy, love & hope that was promised me. I want happiness & light & HO!HO!HO! & Joyeux Noel. I want my little family, Puffy & the DemonSpawn, to have a Merry Christmas.

Mayhaps I need a refresher course of therapy? Or my calendar needs a clean sweep? Or more naps?


Poopsie aka Blue said...

Willing you along the path...
Christmas Is overated but one has to go with the flow...
And, I for one am happy to exchange greetings with you, because you are my friend.

Roan said...

I vote for the nap! Hang in there, the holidays will be over before we know it.

Queen of Halloween said...

Writing lets one release the pent up feelings...write can be right...right? Decorating lets me release mine. Stay away from the xmas carols...they're too sad! And its Santa who inspires me...:) By the way your house looks lovely in it's beautiful go girl! QoH

Wilma said...

Queenie! Where you been? I've missed you. Mayhaps I shouldn't hermit as much?

We really must talk one of these days.

Queen of Halloween said...

Drop by for where I've a deep funk myself and hermitting also! Loved your bit on theatre only you said it better. Time too makes things pass!