My father died 6 weeks ago. He had congestive heart failure, and had been hospitalized 3 times last year for extended periods with symptoms including shortness of breath & fluid retention.
I know his quality of life was greatly diminished. I know he was limited in his abilities of movement and travel. And I know he was tired of spending so much time either in the hospital or travelling for appointments. I know.
And yet ~ I wish he were still here. I wish he could have fought a little longer. I am full of grief & wishes; the grief won't go away & the wishes won't come true.
I am luckier than most. I really liked my dad. After my mom died 8 years ago, I spent a lot of time with him, & really got to know him as a person. I liked who he was. He was funny & smart & caring & kind, also quick-tempered & impatient & could swear better than anyone I've ever met.
I don't need to canonize him, but I'm certainly not going to demonize him, either.
Today, I was trying to work on a writing project & all I can think of is him.
I haven't cried since the doctor explained the medical issues he was experiencing and recommended we put him into comfort care. I don't know that I will. But I often feel like I'm on the edge of tears.
Grief is like snow. Today, I'm in a blizzard.
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"Do not think of knocking out another person's brains because he differs in opinion from you. It would be as rational to knock yourself on the head because you differ from yourself ten years ago." Horace Mann